people i already know

that i re-met today

April eighth two thousand seven

Person I already know #1

In church Sister E. introduces herself to me. She has done so twice before maybe three times and it has made me uncomfortable all but the first time. Why does she think she is so unrememberable. She is the only person in the ward who talks to me, so she is the only one that I don’t act like I don’t know. I’m not sure what I am supposed to say to her, but I just mirror her enthusiasm so she doesn’t have to depress to my level. She is talking to me about how we have been to the same continent, but I am just nervous that it’s ten minutes into the lesson on Blank before my hands stop shaking. Would rather be small-talking with my sister-in-law. I introduced my sister-in-law in relief society that is the first time I have called her that. But either are still better than the Indonesia lady that thought I had already come home from my trip last January. I wish I had already come home too in January. Five minutes of church enthusiasm makes me hate myself and never want to go back to church, but mostly makes me never want to do anything noteworthy so no one will have reason to talk to me or seek me out. I try to look as plain as possible and not wash my hair. Old people talk to me and suck out my youth to cure their oldness. It doesn’t make them any younger but it makes me feel old and robbed. I tell her I am flattered. I am flattered. I have never been flattered or used that word before. I have never been flatter. When I hear myself to people in church, I am not inside my body, I am being consumed by something else and I hear words being yelled out from my empty head into the great cultural hall abyss and my realness is waiting outside and already sitting in the van. Just rolling my eyes. Just waiting for my hands to stop shaking.

Person I Already Know #2

Stephanie Forgettable Last Name is the H.R. manager. I pretend like she just started working there after I left so she feels justified for not remembering me. I have talked to her before about things and she didn’t know anything about things. I made it brief the first two times I talked to her because I walked in and she was crying and I wanted to cry because of it but I just said don’t worry about it and left and then the rest of my day I felt sad. I don’t think she has ever stopped crying. I suppose she just has watery red eyes and a red complexion. I feel bad about that and don’t want to ask too much or I would feel ok even if she made me work in kids because at least I do not cry too much and at least I do not have a red watery complexion or make people feel sad for days at a time just for looking me in the eyes. I wonder what would be so sad to make you cry for two years or more. Sometimes I feel like I could cry for two years, or not eat or sleep for two years. Maybe then I’d wake up a little and feel like a real person and be alive. I ate a lot today and I feel like crying for two years because of it. Especially the ham. Stephanie doesn’t return phone calls. When I write down her name I draw a heart as the dot on the i. I don’t know how you could not with a name like that. I don't know how you could not with a name like that, Stephanie.

Person I Already Know #3

Laura or Lara I’m not sure, probably Laura. Tim’s girlfriend, who is Ryan’s roommate. She is always with Tim under that blanket on the long couch. Me and Ryan used to be the couple under the blanket, but now we are just on the couch or standing or awkward or exposed. Ryan thinks she is really dumb probably because she is a girl and does hair and hasn’t proved herself in the smart girl category and mixes up her words because she is just a baby after all, I think she is really precious and a nice heart. She said she doesn’t shower very often, I hope she meant just wash her hair. Although she probably has not gone through puberty so probably does not get too greasy.

Person I Already Know #4

Dave I recognize you from somewhere, oh we went to EFY together. You’re from New Mexico, you had a mouthful of braces, you were the cutest thing me and Maria wanted to put you in our pockets and have tea parties with you as our guest of honor. I always remember everyone even/especially people that I never really knew. I am never sure whether to keep it a secret or yell it on a mountain that I know you from Random Event unknown number of years ago. I usually keep it a secret unless I am bored and I think you might say something interesting in response, or turn into a real person, like I am the clock striking midnight and you are finally going to stop pretending you are the same princess I've met a thousand times before. So I told you. I can’t tell if you started pretending less, I was too focused on myself and self-conscious, I am still nervous about being around people. I wish it was just us, but there are other people that want to talk about stupid things like EFY and want my attention and make me feel more like a slut than I already do and make comments that make me want to ostrich my head in the ground if I thought it would help me to never hear how people think either BYU or U of U is somehow better in someway from the other. Dave maybe you should still carry around a video camera like before, maybe your grin could still look as innocent as it used to. You still are the same person maybe, I wish you still had all your braces so people would have to look harder to see how beautiful you are, or they would not notice, or you would talk to me for a longer time and sit in the chair next to me instead of across from me.