paris falls

everynight i sit on the steps and watch the cars go by
count red lights count bikes
no one sees me
i'm not part of their web
so i can see the insignificance of it
consistently in the biggest hurry of their adult lives

life is a blur to everyone the sides are blurred
everyone is a showhorse a racehorse blinded
i am no less blind just blind in the front in the center
macular degeneration

one out of two hundred cars looks toward me
two cats almost got run over
everybody's free
everybody's free to enslave themselves
my feet are black from taking out the trash in bare feet
a song is burning holes in my chest
i'd yell it if i thought someone would know it

common

the heat was the barrier but i crossed it i couldn't stay at the library i couldn't breath. it was all right on, alright, same as the other every other days, thermostat check flashing white teeth check bobbing heads check designer backpockets check. they breathe the manufactured perfection in out in out in and if they choke start a central line no one has choked before.

i left i crossed i rode my bike at speed of light and sunglasses and ears plugged and the air was so hot it breathed me

now the graveyard, i might be sitting on a bee's nest they keep landing on me but not stinging, why aren't they stinging me they could i don't even know what it feels like, am i feeling. i hope i am not sitting directly over anyone. i'm sitting directly under a tree the roots and uprooting overthrowing gravestones. someone is dead but someone has been alone twelve years because. close to me says only mother, it's so old that she is no longer a mother to anyone on the planet, has anyone looked for her. i'm breathing in someone else's sighs and pain that they left along with carnations when they visited last or buried last week. it feels real the air feels real. no one is here to fake. i would like to sleep here, to rest like the others in real life.

they should have a special graveyard tree where the roots grow straight down. mozart was buried in a common grave.

before/after

i had been in your house before you lived there. i thought about living there, i liked the narrow staircase, liked the upstairs, but it wasn't available. the old lady who owned it was goingt o live there and not rent it.

now i walk through the house in my mind and each square centimeter is a heartache each piece of air has been breathed out by you and choked on by me. and the staircase has become a waterfall of expectations and i am drowning at the bottom and you have climbed out your bedroom window. i wonder if the old lady died. i wonder if she drowned under the waterfall like me.

and the middle is just a blur, just the difference between black and white, just the space between peace and pain, just two points and the shortest distance was never crossed.

senses

i'm trying to be right here right now right
mind focus eyes straight ahead feet planted firmly and yet
i am everywhere but right here
everything but right now
skip jump hop leap past future past future pain fear hope
over
i'm trying to remember how to be right here right now right
i can't control what happens
i can't control anything i've ever really wanted
i only can control mind eyes feet
but i still fail
over
repeat

wanderlust

kids have their imagination -- escape route
parents have been washed out brain washed washed up
their escape is
their escape has drowned
my escape has drowned: i notice : i can't stop choking
gasp for imagination. image, stop. forgetting. escape route
fear alzheimers, i have it
i forgot what used to fill me
not a staring problem
just out cold just out will return shortly out of bounds
i forgot to remember
now i understand
peter alice pan
they could see the real world falling down
london bridge
as a result neglect, forget, forgot, image
i'm not staring
just not here
just en route

church

the dews from heaven
clouds as puzzle pieces
we are frogs in a boiling pot of water
i will croak first or i am the only one who will jump out
air
doubt not, fear not, not not
as a man thinketh. so is he. this is she
or life is vain, vein, life is vein, a bloodless war
even strangers know where to stab
nothing can come from nettles but nettles